Throw Mama from the Train February 17, 2010

It aint always an easy ride on the “Boy-Rearing Express”. Today was one of those days. It was not a smooth ride. And by “not smooth”, I mean that if today were a train, I may or may not have thrown myself from it. Even if it meant landing in a flock of flapping seagulls. And I freaking HATE seagulls. And flapping.

When I stopped gagging from the thought of the flapping, I decided that I just needed a reminder of why I remain on said train. And then I found this picture:

Taken 3 years ago, this is a snapshot of the exact moment I realized that I was in over my head. That I was ill-equipped to handle a boy. That I had entered a whole new ballgame, and someone had forgotten to give me the playbook. And also that baby-proofing was pointless, as I may have given birth to a very small version of McGyver. But I digress.

This reflection has helped me to recognize that I will one day look fondly upon even the messiest days of parenthood. I guess the bumps in the road make the ride worthwhile. Kind of. Unless, of course, the bumps involve seagulls. In that case, I’m out.

2009 January 11, 2010

 Top Ten of 2009

1. I turned 30! My skin, unfortunately, missed that memo, as it currently looks as if I am a pre-teen moments away from getting my first period. I am going to have to work on this…May 2010 be known as “The year I got my skin fixed”.

2. Emily turned 7 and is shaping up to be the coolest kid ever. I am fairly certain that she would be my best friend if I was also 7, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she WILL be my best friend when she turns 30.

3. Ethan turned 3 and is a Piece. Of. Work. This kid cracks me up at least 7 times a day. He is also very sweet and snuggly, but sometimes tries uses the whole “Mom, I want to snuggle you” thing as a ruse to attempt to feel me up. Guess he is a boob man.

4. We celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and we are still head over heels in love. Head. Over. Heels, I tell ya. He is definitely my perfect match- the yin to my yang, if you will.

5. I survived another year of working from home and teaching online! My students showed tremendous growth this year, and I am so, so proud of them. Seeing the results of our combined efforts is what keeps me going.

6. I read 23 books. Not too shabby, but I am hoping to double this number in 2010. I also tried my hand at satirical writing, which is a brand new genre for me. I think I was born for this. Big thanks to The Onion for the inspiration. I am telling you, I crack myself up. Daily.

7. I didn’t take any classes, which was an exercise in self control. This belongs on my list because my student loans are currently screaming for mercy. Screaming so loudly that they sometimes wake me up at night. Simmer down, student loans, or I swear, I will apply for that doctoral program.

8. I got a new haircut, complete with BANGS. This was a huge step, as I haven’t had bangs since the early 90s. Thank you, bangs, for giving me a new lease on life.

9. I learned 7 new songs on the guitar and formed a band… well, I call it a band. Really it is just me forcing my sister’s boyfriend to play with me every time I see him. We call ourselves R4. Keep your eye on the Billboard Charts. Or YouTube at the very least.

10. I saw Billy Joel and Elton John in concert. This requires no further explanation.

As luck would have it November 11, 2009

I like to think that I have pretty good luck…not the kind of luck that makes me win the lottery or raffles, but the kind of luck that keeps my life running smoothly in the right direction. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my ups and downs, but for the most part, life is good. I like to think this is because the universe is giving me back what I put out there. The whole Karma thing has served me well. Until about three weeks ago. Brace yourself.

It all started when Andy’s car broke. The air shocks totally went kaput so we took it straight to our trusty mechanic, who couldn’t help us. Then we took it to another (un-trusty) mechanic, who kept it for 4 days and then casually mentioned that he couldn’t fix it. Finally, we had it towed to the dealership, and they promised they could actually fix it in a timely manner. This week of mechanic-hopping was a total inconvenience, obviously, especially since Andy drives all day for work, but whatever, we made it work.

We made it work by Andy stuffing his 6’4” frame into my little Jetta and driving it around all day. This, obviously, left me with no car, resulting in desperate calls to my awesomely accommodating mother-in- law, requesting to borrow her car and/or pick me up and drop me off places. Thanks, Viv. I now have a whole new respect for the minivan.

So, this whole plan was working out just fine until one day, the driver’s side window of my car (the ONLY operable car we have at the moment) decided to get stuck halfway open. No big deal, except then it RAINED FOR 5 DAYS STRAIGHT! Rain makes me irritable to begin with, but this took things to a whole new level. There is nothing like driving while being pelted in the face with water. The left sides of our bodies were soaked for days. NOT FUN. At this point, Andy and I are starting to question our lives. What have we done to deserve this? Where did we go wrong? We felt like a statue with a disgruntled, lactose-intolerant pigeon circling overhead. We immediately vowed to change our ways, sending only positive messages into the universe.

Our positive thinking worked, and suddenly, the window of my car decided to close. Then, we got the news that Andy’s car would be ready for pick up the following day. Things would soon be back to normal. It appeared as though the pigeon had left the premises.

The following day, I had a conference to attend and was carpooling with my friend and colleague Michelle. Aware of my recent vehicular difficulties, she had kindly agreed to meet me at a Starbucks close to my home. Andy had an early appointment that day, so he was going to drop me off at the meeting spot and then go about his business. We were about 2 miles away from this location when BAM: flat tire. The pigeon was back! What the heck was going on here? We pull into a parking lot and I call Michelle. Michelle does not answer. I text. I call again. I leave frantic messages. Panic sets in. I have somewhere to be. I can’t be late, and I certainly don’t want to leave my friend hanging out in a Starbucks parking lot thinking I ditched her.

I make a split second decision. I turn to Andy, who is wading through the piles of crap that I keep in my trunk in an effort to find the spare. “I am going to run there, I’ll call you later,” I shout over my shoulder, leaving him high and dry surrounded by a pile of random junk and a tire to change.

I run across the parking lot. I cross two major roads during morning rush hour. I run under an overpass, with large trucks whizzing by. I sprint up a large hill, the grass still wet from the morning dew. I am wearing heels. I am carrying my work bag. I haven’t run this far since the Presidential Fitness test in high school, and even then I usually came in last. I am winded and sweaty.

Finally, the Starbucks is in sight. There is an end to this madness. I run past the bank, the bus stop, and the Chick-fil-a. I see her car. I am so close! Then, suddenly, she pulls out of her parking space and begins driving around the building, towards Chick-fil-a. I change direction and continue to run with all of my might, hoping to head her off. My unnecessarily large work bag is banging against my hip with each stride. I am now gasping for breath. I am still wearing heels. I run past the drive-thru and see that she has changed direction once again and is now headed toward the 99 restaurant. Between gasps for air, I cry “NO! STOP!” at the top of my lungs, completely oblivious to the people waiting in line at the drive-thru. They must have thought I was schizophrenic.

Finally, she stops long enough for me to catch up. I collapse into the passenger seat and catch my breath enough to tell the story to Michelle, who had forgotten her phone at home. We laugh so hard we cry. I buy a 32 oz. bottle of water at the Starbucks and chug it like a frat boy at a keg party. Then we laugh some more.

This, my friends, is where the story finally ends. When I returned home that evening, both of our repaired cars were parked in the driveway. I immediately took of my heels, and I don’t think I will be wearing them again anytime soon. I am, however, keeping them handy in case I need an object to hurl at the pigeon, should it decide to make another appearance.

Yellow Lights November 5, 2009

I have been thinking a lot about parenting lately, particularly the parenting of three year old boys, and I came to a startling realization. You know how when you are driving and you get to a yellow light, you instinctively speed up to make the light? The yellow light is a total joke. Everybody wants to beat the yellow light…it is the laughingstock of traffic signals, with Duck Crossing signs coming in at a close second.

I realized that I AM the yellow light. When Ethan is about to do something (stand precariously on the edge of my bed in attempt to turn on the ceiling fan, for example), and I shout a warning (such as “NO!! STOP!!!”), Ethan hears the equivalent to a damn yellow light. He quickly hurries up and completes the deed. Now, I realize that I am not exactly a “stern” person, but what the heck?

I must take steps to resolve this unfortunate predicament. First, I will work on my tone and facial expressions. I looked at my mad face in the mirror, and it is pretty funny. I need to change that. Plus, my voice is not authoritative, regardless of how loud and urgent I try to sound. Maybe I should buy a megaphone or shout through a paper towel roll or something, although I could see how that might be kinda funny too.

Lastly, I need to work on my consistency. Ethan is really charming, and I think I have been letting some minor infractions slide. He is always so complimentary and snuggly. I can’t allow this to cloud my judgment any longer or he is going to end up a motorcycle stunt driver or a compulsive shopper or something.

25 Random things November 3, 2009

1. I have absolutely no sense of direction. Without written directions, I am completely useless. Maps mean nothing to me. I believe I inherited this from my father. That, and bad skin. Thanks, Dad. I really hope that my kids take after their father in this department, as I believe he is part pigeon.

2. I didn’t start eating vegetables until I was in my 20s. I was kind of a carb-atarian for a while there. Now, I love vegetables. Even raw ones *gasp*.

3. I love the dentist. Not my dentist, in particular, but going to the dentist. I got my first cavity ever last year, and I am still pissed about it. I blame Swedish Fish.

4. I can write backwards. Mirror writing, I think it’s called. As a matter of fact, I can write just as fast backward as I can forward. I inherited that from my mom. That, and a long list of other things…including her fear of swooping birds and a remarkable vocabulary.

5. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being a mom. I think it is the absolute best job in the world. I actually really like being pregnant…and I don’t think the birth part was all that bad either. If money/space/cars/litter boxes weren’t involved, I would probably really enjoy raising a whole brood on my 5 acre estate in scenic and historic Bucks County.

6. I do not like Fennel or Cilantro. I have nothing positive to say about either of those herbs. I do, however, like Black Pepper and Basil.

7. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my husband. He is one of the smartest and most talented people I have ever met. He is just really exceptional at everything he tries to do. Well, he is not a good speller, but I suppose that’s why he keeps me around.

8. I am an impatient driver. I learned this the other day when Emily yelled “Move it, Chevy!” while we were at a red light. I think I’d best work on this.

9. I am very slow at puzzles and scrabble. Anything spatial gets me all flustered. My brain just doesn’t work that way.

10. I have multiple unfinished manuscripts. I get writer’s block when I run out of Pinot Grigio, so I figure it will be better for all parties if I wait to finish them when my kids are grown and I am retired.

11. Emily and I are a lot alike. It is borderline spooky. On one hand, this is fantastic because now I have someone to speak in an accent with once in a while. On the other hand, this is concerning because I am kind of an oddball.

12. I love doing art and crafty-type things. Painting, projects with the kids…all that. In my dream home, there is a room devoted to all things creative.

13. I believe cereal is quite possibly the world’s perfect food. I could eat it for every meal.

14. I am pretty intuitive. If something isn’t right about a situation, I can usually sense it.

15. Sometimes I think in French, which is especially odd since I don’t speak French very well.

16. I am often late. Dr. Phil says this is deliberate because I think I am more important than everybody else. I don’t think it is deliberate or that I am more important than everybody else, but I do think it has to change, so I am going to work on this.

17. I can’t draw a straight line. Even with a ruler.

18. I used to be a cat person, but now I think I am more of a dog person.

19. I am pretty quick at learning new things. I have found that if I don’t learn something quickly, I will probably always suck at it no matter how hard I try. Then I give up. I guess that means I am also a quitter.

20. This is a really, really long list. Right now, I am wishing that I had never started this, but I have come this far so I can’t give up now. See, I am not a quitter. Take that #19.

21. I have a very strong work ethic. I started working when I was 14 and I usually have more than one job. I love working. I also like job interviews…except of course the ones that are 8 hours long and take place in rooms with no windows. Those are torture.

22. My car is always a mess. Sometimes, I will be looking for something in the kitchen and remember, “Oh yeah, that’s in my trunk!”.

23. I am not a fan of princesses. Except Belle, of course. Belle is awesome. I also may like Mulan, but I never actually saw that movie, so I can’t say for sure.

24. I am not very decisive. That can be annoying.

25. I love good books. I read them over and over. If I am into a book, I can’t put it down. I go on a book bender, if you will. If I am not into a book, I do not persevere. I guess I am a quitter.